Today I went into Starbucks and all the baristas were wearing festive red aprons. It reminded me of my childhood---or at least it would have if I had spent a good chunk of my formative years in a Starbucks located inside a strip mall. But to try to get me into the holiday spirit they had a bunch of ads for their new holiday drinks.
There was one drink---I don't remember it's name---and it had the tag-line "Taste a cup of magic!" Now I'll admit that the drink looked pretty awesome, but just on principle I don't usually have drinks with obviously hyperbolic statements about them. I've learned from experience that Starbucks is really good at getting people to buy certain drinks that are borderline disgusting and I've fallen into that trap numerous times and that is the reason for me creating this blog: I'll detail my missteps, so you, gentle reader, do not have to repeat my mistakes.
But Starbucks obviously has a team of well-paid ad-execs (I assume it is a bit like on the show Mad Men), who sit around and try to figure out how to make drinks sound more appealing to customers. Then one guy is probably like, "OK, how about this? A guy comes into Starbucks and he thinks he's just getting a peppermint mocha, but then---get this!---it's actually a cup of ... magic!"
Then probably the other execs are like, "Holy Shit! That is AWESOME!" But what the ad execs don't realize is that no one really wants to drink a cup of magic and it's not even clear what that actually means.
But anyway, I should get to my drink today. I tried out the Juniper Latte. It's a new drink and I got sucked in by the picture and the description. The description was something like, "We take espresso and infuse it with juniper and sage."
They make it sound like they have a juniper bush growing in the back and baristas are lovingly harvesting juniper berries to make my drink. But they don't stop there. After they infuse it, the description says: "Then we lightly dust it with juniper sugar." Now I'm expecting the barista to take a delicate paintbrush, probably made from camel's hair or something, and just gently transfer some juniper sugar onto the latte. I didn't even know juniper sugar existed before this, but I now know I have to try it.
Next to the description they have a picture of the latte and it looks timeless. I could imagine my ancestors drinking it 500 years ago if Starbucks had been a thing back then. But then I got it and I couldn't even finish it. I think a more apt line would have been to just say, "Hey! Are you a dude who is really into sniffing pine trees? If so, then do we ever have a beverage for you!"
OK, it could be a woman who is into sniffing pine trees, too, but I've only ever seen men sniffing pine trees. More specifically, I've only ever seen exactly one man sniffing a pine tree and I'm pretty sure he was some sort of hobo. But here's the thing: there are people who really enjoy sniffing pine trees. The demographic is definitely there. The one guy I saw sniffing a pine tree clearly found the scent intoxicating. I would totally recommend the Juniper Latte to that guy. But even if you like the scent of pine trees, that's not enough for me to recommend the beverage. It really has to be something you go out of your way for. Like maybe you live in a big city, and every winter you make a two-hour trek to the woods to sniff pine trees. Then you'll probably love this drink.
Otherwise, I'd pass!
Verdict: Kind of gross, but with strong hints of pine.
Score: Two Stars and 2.5 Bucks out of 10.
No comments:
Post a Comment