When I started this blog, I envisioned a relaxing hobby I could do at the end of the day after my kids went to sleep. What I learned instead is that writing is difficult—even if it's just about scoring coffee-based beverages with an arbitrary rating system involving Stars and Bucks. But I know one thing: I will never again say that writers are overpaid. Although, now that I think about it, I never actually said that in the first place. In any case, I won’t start saying it now.
But despite the unique challenges blogging presents, I still had tons of fun with Season one and with this post I have at last reached my goal of writing 20 entries.
Thank you, gentle reader, for helping to make this blog the number one Starbucks-related blog in Southwestern Ontario. And a special thanks to all the baristas of Starbucks for educating me on the available drinks and helping to provide material for this blog. I will be back at an unspecified date in the future for a second season, but for now I take a hiatus and return to normal life as a Starbucks regular.
To finish the season, I went with a classic: the Pumpkin Spice Latte. They say you never forget your first PSL and in this respect it is a bit like losing one’s virginity, albeit with less unfortunate sobbing afterwards. It's simply impossible to be a true Starbucks devotee without trying this drink at least once in your life and damn this drink is delicious. I got it half-sweet with whipped cream and whatever else it is they sprinkle on top. As one might expect, the PSL has an unabashed pumpkin taste, with more subtle flavours of cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. But what really takes this latte to the next level is its creamy texture and the ever-so-slight espresso flavour lurking just beneath the surface. This drink is great to sip when autumn arrives and if you’ve never had one, you should get it.
Verdict: If you like pumpkin, have a wistful yearning for the autumns of your youth, and secretly worry that humanity is on an irreversible path that leads to our complete annihilation, then go get one now!
Score: 7.5 Stars and 7 Bucks out of 10.
Friday, November 23, 2018
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Eggnog Latte and the Circle of Life
Blogging about Starbucks has allowed me to at last peek behind the veil and catch a coveted glimpse of the Starbucks inner circle. Doing so, as one might expect, offers the regular customer numerous perks, including the opportunity to potentially drink several litres of expired watermelon juice in one sitting, being able to hear baristas discuss unfortunate tinder experiences, and the opportunity to view several hundred vaguely incomprehensible imgur memes involving characters from the Japanese anime series Pokemon.
A few nights ago when I got all that sweet watermelon juice, I noticed a card on the long bar that divides the patrons from the baristas. I asked who the card was for and was told that a regular had died and the baristas had all gotten together to make him a card. I found the story touching and it’s one of the things I really love about my Starbucks. It gave me the incomplete hope that if I were to die then perhaps the baristas would get together and make a card for me, too. Maybe they’d write stuff like, “Hey, Jason! Word on the street is you’re dead!”—OK, maybe I haven’t thought so much about the logistics behind how this card would actually work in practice, but I was nevertheless moved by the idea.
I came back to this very same Starbucks after work yesterday and again cracked the elusive Starbucks inner circle, sitting with baristas, including one who was off the clock and discussing her recent dating experiences. She had a great story about how before one recent date she had told the guy how she loves sweet potato fries. Then I guess while she was in the bathroom or something during their meal, the guy had arranged for there to be roughly seven pounds of sweet potato fries waiting for her when she got back. Incidentally, I used to always do little romantic gestures like that on my dates too, but then I’d inevitably screw it up by yelling, “YOU WILL EAT ALL SEVEN POUNDS OF THOSE SWEET POTATO FRIES RIGHT NOW, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”
Yeah, dating is hard.
But it sounds like this guy avoided such classic dating pitfalls and did everything right for the remainder of the night---I guess we’ll just have to tune into the next season of this blog to see how their relationship blossoms.
So, yes, I got to experience every aspect of the human condition from love to death (and now that I think about it, pretty much just those two things) during my two-day stint in the Starbucks inner circle. I suppose that’s probably why everyone says that when you’re in the inner circle, the highs are so high and the lows are so low.
What’s that? No one actually says that? OK, my bad.
But I should get to my drink review. With this, the penultimate post of season one, I review the Eggnog latte, which I got yesterday after lunch. I ordered the tall version, because eggnog is no fucking joke. The eggnog is steamed and poured on top of espresso shots and the beverage is then lightly dusted with nutmeg.
Eggnog is one of those polarizing things that people either love or hate. Personally, I love it, and that along with a healthy appreciation of espresso are really the only necessary preconditions for enjoying this beverage. This is not a drink you can have every day, but it’s great to have once or twice as December rolls around. Overall, I preferred the Dirty Chegg to this one, and even the Chai-Eggnog tea latte is probably tastier overall, although it lacks the kick the espresso in the Eggnog latte offers. Still, this one is definitely worth a try, gentle reader.
Verdict: If you love eggnog and are motivated by an overwhelming sense of self-loathing and shame, this is your drink.
Score: I give this one five Stars and five Bucks out of ten.
A few nights ago when I got all that sweet watermelon juice, I noticed a card on the long bar that divides the patrons from the baristas. I asked who the card was for and was told that a regular had died and the baristas had all gotten together to make him a card. I found the story touching and it’s one of the things I really love about my Starbucks. It gave me the incomplete hope that if I were to die then perhaps the baristas would get together and make a card for me, too. Maybe they’d write stuff like, “Hey, Jason! Word on the street is you’re dead!”—OK, maybe I haven’t thought so much about the logistics behind how this card would actually work in practice, but I was nevertheless moved by the idea.
I came back to this very same Starbucks after work yesterday and again cracked the elusive Starbucks inner circle, sitting with baristas, including one who was off the clock and discussing her recent dating experiences. She had a great story about how before one recent date she had told the guy how she loves sweet potato fries. Then I guess while she was in the bathroom or something during their meal, the guy had arranged for there to be roughly seven pounds of sweet potato fries waiting for her when she got back. Incidentally, I used to always do little romantic gestures like that on my dates too, but then I’d inevitably screw it up by yelling, “YOU WILL EAT ALL SEVEN POUNDS OF THOSE SWEET POTATO FRIES RIGHT NOW, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”
Yeah, dating is hard.
But it sounds like this guy avoided such classic dating pitfalls and did everything right for the remainder of the night---I guess we’ll just have to tune into the next season of this blog to see how their relationship blossoms.
So, yes, I got to experience every aspect of the human condition from love to death (and now that I think about it, pretty much just those two things) during my two-day stint in the Starbucks inner circle. I suppose that’s probably why everyone says that when you’re in the inner circle, the highs are so high and the lows are so low.
What’s that? No one actually says that? OK, my bad.
But I should get to my drink review. With this, the penultimate post of season one, I review the Eggnog latte, which I got yesterday after lunch. I ordered the tall version, because eggnog is no fucking joke. The eggnog is steamed and poured on top of espresso shots and the beverage is then lightly dusted with nutmeg.
Eggnog is one of those polarizing things that people either love or hate. Personally, I love it, and that along with a healthy appreciation of espresso are really the only necessary preconditions for enjoying this beverage. This is not a drink you can have every day, but it’s great to have once or twice as December rolls around. Overall, I preferred the Dirty Chegg to this one, and even the Chai-Eggnog tea latte is probably tastier overall, although it lacks the kick the espresso in the Eggnog latte offers. Still, this one is definitely worth a try, gentle reader.
Verdict: If you love eggnog and are motivated by an overwhelming sense of self-loathing and shame, this is your drink.
Score: I give this one five Stars and five Bucks out of ten.
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Expired Watermelon Juice
People who know me know I love my kids. Granted, I’ve spent a good chunk of their formative years drinking Jose Cuervo out of a coffee mug while watching my “White Chicks” DVD, but ultimately it’s the thought that counts. Although now that I think about it, most of my thoughts during that time were about how sweet it would be to drink some Jose Cuervo out of a coffee mug and then watch my “White Chicks” DVD.
But I guess my point is: my heart’s in the right place. Or maybe my point is that “White Chicks” is a surprisingly layered film that deserves multiple viewings while drinking Jose Cuervo out of a coffee mug.
Whatever my true point might be, I think we can all at least agree that: 1) Terry Crews possesses true comedic acting chops; and 2) it's about time I changed things up and reviewed some expired watermelon juice.
Because I’m such a great Dad (or so other pedestrians tell me after I mention in passing that I have kids), I’m always taking my son to after-school events and other extracurricular activities. Last night I took him to Cub Scouts and after I dropped him off I drove to my Starbucks. For some reason I don’t entirely understand, I got to drink a whole bunch of expired watermelon juice for free and I think it might have been the single greatest night of my life.
I should mention, first, that I’m not a big juice-guy. I had drunk maybe two or three glasses of juice in the past six months before last night. One time I tried doing a three-day juice cleanse, and roughly six hours in I had to expand my definition of juice to include stuff like Nyquil because I found the experience so intolerable.
So, yeah, you could say I was a juice-skeptic before last night.
But after my first sip, I realized I could easily do the aforementioned cleanse with expired watermelon juice. It's fantastic. One barista, W, who was off the clock said the experience was like drinking a watermelon. It felt profound as he said it, but after reflecting upon his statement a bit, I'm now pretty sure that's more or less the entire point of watermelon juice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentle reader, I have a “White Chicks” DVD to get back to.
Verdict: Like drinking a watermelon?
Score: 9 Stars and 8.5 Bucks out of 10.
But I guess my point is: my heart’s in the right place. Or maybe my point is that “White Chicks” is a surprisingly layered film that deserves multiple viewings while drinking Jose Cuervo out of a coffee mug.
Whatever my true point might be, I think we can all at least agree that: 1) Terry Crews possesses true comedic acting chops; and 2) it's about time I changed things up and reviewed some expired watermelon juice.
Because I’m such a great Dad (or so other pedestrians tell me after I mention in passing that I have kids), I’m always taking my son to after-school events and other extracurricular activities. Last night I took him to Cub Scouts and after I dropped him off I drove to my Starbucks. For some reason I don’t entirely understand, I got to drink a whole bunch of expired watermelon juice for free and I think it might have been the single greatest night of my life.
I should mention, first, that I’m not a big juice-guy. I had drunk maybe two or three glasses of juice in the past six months before last night. One time I tried doing a three-day juice cleanse, and roughly six hours in I had to expand my definition of juice to include stuff like Nyquil because I found the experience so intolerable.
So, yeah, you could say I was a juice-skeptic before last night.
But after my first sip, I realized I could easily do the aforementioned cleanse with expired watermelon juice. It's fantastic. One barista, W, who was off the clock said the experience was like drinking a watermelon. It felt profound as he said it, but after reflecting upon his statement a bit, I'm now pretty sure that's more or less the entire point of watermelon juice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentle reader, I have a “White Chicks” DVD to get back to.
Verdict: Like drinking a watermelon?
Score: 9 Stars and 8.5 Bucks out of 10.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Blonde roast: Something different
The blog has now become all-encompassing—a lumbering, disquieting lamprey that has slowly sucked all hope and joy from my life and left a shell of a man in its wake. On a more positive note, I did eat half a jar of buttercream frosting after dinner, and that was pretty good. But now not even the promise of sleep can provide respite from this blog, and last night I dreamt I wrote a blog post after designing my own special drink at Starbucks. In theory, it sounds like I perhaps constructed a beverage worthy of the so-called secret menu—clandestine drink recipes of which only the most serious of Starbucks devotees are even aware—but in practice my dream just went like this:
Me: I’d like a coffee, please.
Barista: OK. Is there anything you’d like us to add to your coffee?
Me: Bacon bits.
I was even crafting sentences about the saltiness of the bacon bits complementing the bitter coffee flavor before the drink had even arrived. But when I finally sipped the drink, it had no taste.
And then I woke up.
I don’t know what this dream means, but I’ll interpret it on a practical level as saying that I need to take a break from blogging pretty soon.
But not quite yet, gentle reader!
Yesterday and then again this morning, I went into Starbucks and ordered the blonde roast. I asked the manager several hard-hitting questions about the differences between the various roasts, which he expertly answered. But then I totally forgot everything he said and I went home and watched some movie about a British prostitute on the Lifetime network. The takeaway in all of this, however, is that Starbucks has multiple roasts of their coffee, and the blonde roast is different from most other coffees I have had in the past. This particular roast has a light fruitiness to it that makes it easy to sip and which, as far as I can tell, is absent in other Starbucks coffee varieties.
Yesterday I had it with heavy cream and today I had it black and then later with half-and-half. All of the variations were great.
There’s a Starbucks barista who has given me several money-saving tips that one can employ at Starbucks and she’s probably saved me a couple hundred dollars at this point. To be fair, I’m pretty sure I just reinvested these savings back into Starbucks over the past three weeks while making this blog, but that’s life.
One particularly useful tip she gave me this morning is that Starbucks offers free refills on their coffees and cold brew (not the espresso-based drinks) when one stays in the store.
Now that I’ve discovered the blonde roast, I might never leave.
Now that I’ve discovered the blonde roast, I might never leave.
Verdict: A fruity almost nutty variety of coffee and certainly worth a try.
Score: Seven Stars and six Bucks out of 10.
Monday, November 19, 2018
London Fog with Almond Milk: Delicious!
People often tell me I’m a throwback to one of those old Russian writers like Solzhenitsyn---except instead of living under the unforgiving fist of a despotic regime, I must instead contend with the detachment and isolation of modern existence; and rather than honing my craft between years of forced drudgery in a brutal Soviet Gulag, I instead just spend a bunch of time eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
But I write this post to let you know, gentle reader, that while my circumstances may be different from those of, say, Zamyatin, I suffer for my craft, nevertheless—it’s just that in my case the suffering takes the form of compelling myself to repeatedly drink disgusting coffee-based beverages at a Starbucks located inside a strip mall.
Yesterday, however, I had an unexpected respite from this cavalcade of sugary drinks when I ordered a London Fog—an Earl Grey Tea latte with vanilla syrup added. As the title of the post suggests, by recommendation I had it prepared with almond milk, and I'll mention that I had a single pump of the vanilla syrup added. This drink is absolutely delicious. Not too sweet and with delicate flavours and warm tones that linger on the tongue after each sip.
After I bought this tea latte, I took my daughter shopping for presents. I took long sips of the London Fog as we went store to store looking for a doll she wanted. I realized the drink was even more complex than I had initially thought, having subtle juxtapositions of multiple flavours. Beyond the straightforward Earl Grey and vanilla flavours, I soon identified some not-quite-tangible taste that evaded classification. At this point, I realized they were already playing Christmas music. To make matters worse, it was that song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” being sung as a duet by Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton. Memo to Retailers during the holidays: I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ROD STEWART TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH DOLLY PARTON!
Oh, and the missing flavour is lavender. I looked it up.
Verdict: Subtle, delicious, and a perfect rainy day beverage.
Score: 8 Stars and 4 Bucks out of 10.
But I write this post to let you know, gentle reader, that while my circumstances may be different from those of, say, Zamyatin, I suffer for my craft, nevertheless—it’s just that in my case the suffering takes the form of compelling myself to repeatedly drink disgusting coffee-based beverages at a Starbucks located inside a strip mall.
Yesterday, however, I had an unexpected respite from this cavalcade of sugary drinks when I ordered a London Fog—an Earl Grey Tea latte with vanilla syrup added. As the title of the post suggests, by recommendation I had it prepared with almond milk, and I'll mention that I had a single pump of the vanilla syrup added. This drink is absolutely delicious. Not too sweet and with delicate flavours and warm tones that linger on the tongue after each sip.
After I bought this tea latte, I took my daughter shopping for presents. I took long sips of the London Fog as we went store to store looking for a doll she wanted. I realized the drink was even more complex than I had initially thought, having subtle juxtapositions of multiple flavours. Beyond the straightforward Earl Grey and vanilla flavours, I soon identified some not-quite-tangible taste that evaded classification. At this point, I realized they were already playing Christmas music. To make matters worse, it was that song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” being sung as a duet by Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton. Memo to Retailers during the holidays: I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ROD STEWART TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH DOLLY PARTON!
Oh, and the missing flavour is lavender. I looked it up.
Verdict: Subtle, delicious, and a perfect rainy day beverage.
Score: 8 Stars and 4 Bucks out of 10.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Matcha Green Tea Latte: A taste of Japan (if things in Japan happened to taste totally gross)
Today we deal with an almost drink request, gentle reader. I went a bit out of the way to another Starbucks this morning to get the Matcha Green Tea Latte, and it was not at all what I was expecting. It was actually incredibly sweet—probably as sweet as any of the half-sweet versions of the holiday drinks, although I admit that the underlying Matcha flavour was not bad. I nevertheless couldn’t get into this drink due to the incongruity between my expectations and reality.
I really wanted an “East meets West” experience, and this drink was just way too west. And maybe that’s fair. Perhaps with globalization and everything else that exists today there is now minimal distinction between East and West. But in the `80s, when I was a kid, it was different.
Back then pretty much every night there was a TV show or movie about a vaguely mystical Asian man who would deliver wisdom to a young white boy in cryptic form and the result would be a bond that transcended the very confines of age and race. Even though this mystical old Asian man was a gentle man---who could be moved by a particularly striking sunset---occasionally he would flip out and kick a bunch of dudes in the face for some reason. But that was just to keep the story moving---most of the time the kid would talk to the guy and say things like, "Biff from the football team keeps beating me up! What should I do?" and the Asian man, speaking with a thick, heavily stereotypical accent, would be like, "Squirrel with most acorns is strongest, but mighty squid has no need for acorns."
Then the kid would know that he was supposed to confront the bully and that the bully would ultimately back down.
In the movies, everything would somehow work out all right for the kid.
In real life, however, these mystical elderly Asian men don't actually exist. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure something like the incident described above has happened at some point, but then the white kid probably followed the guy's advice and got his ass kicked. Then he was probably like, "Hey! Why the hell did you tell me to confront Biff? Now I'm essentially in a full body cast."
Then the Asian guy was probably like, "I never told you that!" and then when the white guy reminded him about the whole squirrel/squid story, the Asian dude was probably like, "That story? I was high on COCAINE, Son! I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.”
And so to return to today's drink, I suppose I had a vision of how this drink should taste based on images of older Japanese men sipping green tea from 1980s movies, and that’s clearly not the right mindset to go into this experience with.
Verdict: Probably OK if it no sugar is added, but the sugar is unnecessary in this one.
Score: 3 Stars and 2 Bucks out of 10.
I really wanted an “East meets West” experience, and this drink was just way too west. And maybe that’s fair. Perhaps with globalization and everything else that exists today there is now minimal distinction between East and West. But in the `80s, when I was a kid, it was different.
Back then pretty much every night there was a TV show or movie about a vaguely mystical Asian man who would deliver wisdom to a young white boy in cryptic form and the result would be a bond that transcended the very confines of age and race. Even though this mystical old Asian man was a gentle man---who could be moved by a particularly striking sunset---occasionally he would flip out and kick a bunch of dudes in the face for some reason. But that was just to keep the story moving---most of the time the kid would talk to the guy and say things like, "Biff from the football team keeps beating me up! What should I do?" and the Asian man, speaking with a thick, heavily stereotypical accent, would be like, "Squirrel with most acorns is strongest, but mighty squid has no need for acorns."
Then the kid would know that he was supposed to confront the bully and that the bully would ultimately back down.
In the movies, everything would somehow work out all right for the kid.
In real life, however, these mystical elderly Asian men don't actually exist. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure something like the incident described above has happened at some point, but then the white kid probably followed the guy's advice and got his ass kicked. Then he was probably like, "Hey! Why the hell did you tell me to confront Biff? Now I'm essentially in a full body cast."
Then the Asian guy was probably like, "I never told you that!" and then when the white guy reminded him about the whole squirrel/squid story, the Asian dude was probably like, "That story? I was high on COCAINE, Son! I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.”
And so to return to today's drink, I suppose I had a vision of how this drink should taste based on images of older Japanese men sipping green tea from 1980s movies, and that’s clearly not the right mindset to go into this experience with.
Verdict: Probably OK if it no sugar is added, but the sugar is unnecessary in this one.
Score: 3 Stars and 2 Bucks out of 10.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Caramel Brûlée Latte: Can someone please put an end to this Kafkaesque nightmare?
I think I’ve probably had more whipped cream in the past two weeks than I had had in my entire life before then, and at this point I’m pretty sure I’m going to die fairly soon. I went in yesterday after work and ordered the Caramel Brûlée Latte. I then drove straight home and spent some quality time with my son, tossing the football around and basically just teaching him how to be a man in this modern world. OK, I actually spent the next three and a half hours binge drinking on the couch in my pyjamas while watching “Girlboss” on Netflix as my son played Fortnite upstairs, but I’m still hoping my son will be able to look back at these times with a nostalgic fondness once I’m dead.
So, yeah, I got the CBL, and I got it with minimal sweetness, but this is definitely the sweetest of the holiday lattes. As is the case with all lattes, it begins with steamed milk and espresso, but they then add their caramel brûlée sauce---which has an unflinching sweetness that is tempered by a subtle smokiness---and then add whipped cream and a caramel topping. This one’s actually pretty good. People ask me what the Stars and Bucks rating means and, honestly, I have no fucking idea at this point, but this one is delicious.
Verdict: Pretty good but very sweet.
Score: I don’t know. I give it a bunch of Stars and Bucks out of 10.
So, yeah, I got the CBL, and I got it with minimal sweetness, but this is definitely the sweetest of the holiday lattes. As is the case with all lattes, it begins with steamed milk and espresso, but they then add their caramel brûlée sauce---which has an unflinching sweetness that is tempered by a subtle smokiness---and then add whipped cream and a caramel topping. This one’s actually pretty good. People ask me what the Stars and Bucks rating means and, honestly, I have no fucking idea at this point, but this one is delicious.
Verdict: Pretty good but very sweet.
Score: I don’t know. I give it a bunch of Stars and Bucks out of 10.
Friday, November 16, 2018
The Gingerbread Latte: The Joey Fatone of Starbucks holiday beverages
Today I went to Starbucks and ordered the Gingerbread Latte. I got it with one pump of syrup as opposed to the usual three and it was delicious. But as I was sipping it, I had an epiphany: Starbucks holiday lattes are a bit like a 1980s boy-band: The Chestnut Praline Latte is the leader, the Caramel Brûlée Latte is the sensual ladies’ man, The Eggnog Latte is the Donnie Wahlberg-type tough guy who raps, and then the Gingerbread Latte is the funny guy who jokes around (e.g., Joey Fatone from N’Sync).
Perhaps this theory strikes you as a bit of a stretch, but please allow me make my case. Throughout the entirety of human history there have been four basic male archetypes: the leader, the warrior, the joker, and the ladies’ man. In medieval times you had the king, the knight, the wizard/court jester, and then that one dude who had sex with a bunch of women while everyone else was at work. These archetypes persist even to this day and were distilled to their very essence in the form of the 1980s boy-band. But why did boy-bands—which even today drive legions of teenaged girls wild with their sultry rhythms—so capture the imagination of society?
The reason, gentle reader, is that they took all the attractive male qualities and put them together into a single group and then, for some reason no one really understands, had them sing songs in unison about how they wanted to—quote---"sex you up". Likewise, Starbucks has taken all of the archetypal holiday flavors and built lattes around them with the intent of appealing to as large a market as possible. In doing so, Starbucks has really given us, the consumer, the best of both worlds: you get all the raw sexuality and seductive energy of a 98 Degrees, but with none of the crappy music.
With that said, the Gingerbread Latte—while delicious—is unfortunately the funny guy/class clown archetype in this boy-band of holiday beverages. Yes, it perhaps lacks the sensuality of, say, a Caramel Brûlée Latte, and it will never be in the spotlight like the Chestnut Praline Latte, and maybe it doesn’t have the robust warrior-like qualities of the Eggnog Latte, but it has its own special talents to offer the Starbucks consumer. It’s by no means a perfect beverage, but it has carved out its own niche and the whipped cream and nutmeg sprinkled on top are delicious. You've earned your place in this boy-band of holiday beverages, Gingerbread Latte.
Verdict: A solid drink, but it will never be the star.
Score: 4 Stars and 4.5 Bucks out of 10.
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Chestnut Praline Latte: What am I doing with my life?
Lots of people (and by lots of people, I mean pretty much no one) ask me how long I plan to do this blog. I know from experience not to have overly ambitious goals in this regard.
I first learned my lesson back in high school, when I tried out for the football team in tenth grade. After try-outs the coach approached me and said, "Sorry, Kid, but you just don't have it." When I asked the coach for clarification about what he meant exactly by 'it', he explained that it was a combination of things, including basic hand-eye coordination, reasonable genetics, not possessing a crippling fear of bees, the ability to not giggle upon hearing the word 'buttocks', and just general athletic ability.
I was crushed, but if one positive thing came out of that moment, I learned that sometimes one has to put in some real work to achieve one's goals. I then decided I would train every day over summer holidays and make it onto the team next year. People laughed at me, and told me it would never happen---and in retrospect I should really commend those people for their accurate take on the situation, because I'm actually legitimately terrible at football. But how could I have known that at the time?
So, yeah, I've learned some lessons the hard way and have come to realize that we inhabit a cruel and unforgiving universe---ruled by chaos and despair---which will only crush your dreams and ultimately discard you like the napkin used to wipe the sweat off a lumberjack's brow.
So I don't have serious goals for this blog, but I did set one goal when I started: to write twenty posts. After that, I can reevaluate things or take a break or maybe just blog once a week. I'm flexible. Besides, my student told me that vlogging is the new blogging, so perhaps I'm behind the times and should invest in a camera.
With all that in mind, we take one step closer to my goal with a review of the Chestnut Praline Latte. The CPL is perhaps Starbucks' signature holiday drink, and it might one day achieve equal footing with the now mythical Pumpkin Spice Latte. The drink is a straightforward latte with some chestnut syrup, but what really makes it delicious is the added whipped cream and the crunchy topping that is subsequently sprinkled onto the drink. I asked the manager what this crunchy stuff was, and he read off a list of things---I think one of them was cloves or something. (That's the sort of hard-hitting research I'm willing to do for this blog, gentle reader.) In any case, it's delicious. The chestnut flavor of the latte strikes me as more of a novelty---kind of a throwback to that old-timey song where that guy is talking about chestnuts roasting by an open fire and Jack Frost nipping at your nose. In practice, you hardly ever see some guy roasting chestnuts by an open fire, and I assume that's because chestnuts are kind of gross, which is unfortunately the case with the latte part of the drink.
But for the first few sips, the whipped cream and crunchy topping flavors dominate the chestnut flavor and the initial experience is fantastic. I'd say that just having a latte with the crunchy stuff sprinkled on top would be awesome. But overall I'm nonplussed by this drink---it has some positive features, but the chestnut flavor is a miss for me. Still, it is very popular and it is certainly worth a try.
Verdict: Interesting drink; delicious topping.
Score: 5 Stars and 4 bucks out of 10.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Peppermint Mocha: a cup of magic (not really)
Yesterday afternoon I went into Starbucks and ordered the Peppermint Mocha, which has as a tagline, “Sip a cup of magic”. After discussing the logistics of making such a drink with the barista, we settled upon making the drink with just one pump of mocha sauce and peppermint syrup, as opposed to the usual three pumps of each. The two syrups are combined and added to espresso and steamed milk, and the beverage is then topped with whipped cream and dark chocolate curls, giving it the appearance of an after-dinner dessert coffee.
I made the case that calling it a cup of magic was an overstatement on Starbucks’ part. The barista---who possibly writes drink descriptions for Starbucks in her spare time---said something like, “Does sipping it make you remember sitting by the Christmas tree and waiting for Santa Claus to come down the chimney? If so, I’d argue that it really is a cup of magic.”
I closed my eyes, took a sip. The chocolate and peppermint flavours invaded my senses and I could remember opening presents on Christmas morning, eating candy canes by the fire, and singing Christmas carols. Yeah, life was simpler in those days. Back then, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was just a heartwarming ballad in which a small boy discusses in a forthright manner witnessing his mother cheating on her husband by kissing---and presumably later having sex with---Santa Claus.
But then I grew up and my innocence faded. I realized the Santa in the song was just the boy’s dad dressed in a Santa suit. Later still, I understood that the song probably doesn’t even take place during the holiday season and the kid’s dad just has some bizarre Santa fetish that his wife indulges every other Tuesday after they come home from their biweekly date night at Applebee’s.
But, yeah, I get it: the Peppermint Mocha is a drink that evokes this childhood nostalgia that transports the consumer to a happier and more innocent time. It truly is a cup of magic. Or at least it would be if it weren’t totally gross.
OK, I’m kidding. The drink isn’t really gross—the flavours work well together, in fact. But I nevertheless found it hard to finish after lunch. This would be great at home after dinner with some Baileys or Kahlua added, but it has too much of a dessert vibe to be a sensible go-to drink on your way to work at 8:30 in the morning. Still, it’s delicious and makes for a perfect treat during the holidays when you have nowhere else to be.
Verdict: Pretty good, but not quite magical.
Score: 5 Stars and 5 Bucks out of 10.
I made the case that calling it a cup of magic was an overstatement on Starbucks’ part. The barista---who possibly writes drink descriptions for Starbucks in her spare time---said something like, “Does sipping it make you remember sitting by the Christmas tree and waiting for Santa Claus to come down the chimney? If so, I’d argue that it really is a cup of magic.”
I closed my eyes, took a sip. The chocolate and peppermint flavours invaded my senses and I could remember opening presents on Christmas morning, eating candy canes by the fire, and singing Christmas carols. Yeah, life was simpler in those days. Back then, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was just a heartwarming ballad in which a small boy discusses in a forthright manner witnessing his mother cheating on her husband by kissing---and presumably later having sex with---Santa Claus.
But then I grew up and my innocence faded. I realized the Santa in the song was just the boy’s dad dressed in a Santa suit. Later still, I understood that the song probably doesn’t even take place during the holiday season and the kid’s dad just has some bizarre Santa fetish that his wife indulges every other Tuesday after they come home from their biweekly date night at Applebee’s.
But, yeah, I get it: the Peppermint Mocha is a drink that evokes this childhood nostalgia that transports the consumer to a happier and more innocent time. It truly is a cup of magic. Or at least it would be if it weren’t totally gross.
OK, I’m kidding. The drink isn’t really gross—the flavours work well together, in fact. But I nevertheless found it hard to finish after lunch. This would be great at home after dinner with some Baileys or Kahlua added, but it has too much of a dessert vibe to be a sensible go-to drink on your way to work at 8:30 in the morning. Still, it’s delicious and makes for a perfect treat during the holidays when you have nowhere else to be.
Verdict: Pretty good, but not quite magical.
Score: 5 Stars and 5 Bucks out of 10.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Nitro Cold Brew: Can I work at Starbucks, please?
I had to drive a few hundred kilometres, so I figured I might as well drive a little bit extra out of the way to go to a Starbucks location with the nitro cold brew on tap and it was totally worth it. They take their cold brew and infuse it with nitrogen and it is then dispensed from a shiny metal tap.
As it’s poured, it shares a look that is similar to Guinness, and the texture is not altogether different either. This would undoubtedly be delicious with an added scoop of vanilla ice cream—a sort of cold brew twist on the Affogato—but it tastes great by itself and Starbucks offers numerous alternative ways it can be served, including with cascara cold foam, topped with a chocolate spray, or with a vanilla sweet cream.
I had never seen a person under the age of 40 working at a Starbucks before today, but the woman working the cash register was probably in her sixties and it gave me hope that I could perhaps realize my dream of one day working at S-bucks. My life so far has been an unending parade of unfulfilled dreams, beginning in my twenties when I thought I could be a male model. People back then would always say, “No offence, but don’t you have to be kind of handsome to be a male model?” Then I’d get mad and be like, “NOT IF YOU MODEL SOCKS!”
But it turns out I couldn’t hack it in the cutthroat world of male sock modelling—although, sometimes when I put my socks on in the morning, I pretend that I am one of those famous international sock models and my lips curl into a wry smile.
But working at S-Bucks is a dream I might actually be able to realistically attain. Would I be a bit older than most of my coworkers? Yeah, sure. But I think I’d do a great job and over time my coworkers would realize that I can do the job every bit as well as they can.
I imagine customer interactions with me going a bit like this:
Me: Hey Jimmy! You having the usual?
Customer: I’ve never seen you before in my life; moreover, I’m a woman.
Me: My bad. I have trouble remembering names, recognizing age and gender, and pretty much struggle with anything that is at all relevant when working in customer service. But I guess that's what everyone says happens after you do back-to-back tours of duty in Afghanistan, right?
Customer: Literally no one has ever said that.
Me: Fair enough.
Probably they’d keep me away from the customers after that and I could then spend my workdays pouring myself cold and tall glasses of nitro cold brew straight from the tap. After twenty years maybe I’d even retire with a pension. But regardless of whether this dream will ever come true or not, the NCB will remain my favourite drink at Starbucks---it’s great either by itself or with the sweet cream. Go for it!
Verdict: If you like Guinness, get the Nitro Cold Brew.
Score: 10 Stars and 10 Bucks out of ten. (WHAT???)
As it’s poured, it shares a look that is similar to Guinness, and the texture is not altogether different either. This would undoubtedly be delicious with an added scoop of vanilla ice cream—a sort of cold brew twist on the Affogato—but it tastes great by itself and Starbucks offers numerous alternative ways it can be served, including with cascara cold foam, topped with a chocolate spray, or with a vanilla sweet cream.
I had never seen a person under the age of 40 working at a Starbucks before today, but the woman working the cash register was probably in her sixties and it gave me hope that I could perhaps realize my dream of one day working at S-bucks. My life so far has been an unending parade of unfulfilled dreams, beginning in my twenties when I thought I could be a male model. People back then would always say, “No offence, but don’t you have to be kind of handsome to be a male model?” Then I’d get mad and be like, “NOT IF YOU MODEL SOCKS!”
But it turns out I couldn’t hack it in the cutthroat world of male sock modelling—although, sometimes when I put my socks on in the morning, I pretend that I am one of those famous international sock models and my lips curl into a wry smile.
But working at S-Bucks is a dream I might actually be able to realistically attain. Would I be a bit older than most of my coworkers? Yeah, sure. But I think I’d do a great job and over time my coworkers would realize that I can do the job every bit as well as they can.
I imagine customer interactions with me going a bit like this:
Me: Hey Jimmy! You having the usual?
Customer: I’ve never seen you before in my life; moreover, I’m a woman.
Me: My bad. I have trouble remembering names, recognizing age and gender, and pretty much struggle with anything that is at all relevant when working in customer service. But I guess that's what everyone says happens after you do back-to-back tours of duty in Afghanistan, right?
Customer: Literally no one has ever said that.
Me: Fair enough.
Probably they’d keep me away from the customers after that and I could then spend my workdays pouring myself cold and tall glasses of nitro cold brew straight from the tap. After twenty years maybe I’d even retire with a pension. But regardless of whether this dream will ever come true or not, the NCB will remain my favourite drink at Starbucks---it’s great either by itself or with the sweet cream. Go for it!
Verdict: If you like Guinness, get the Nitro Cold Brew.
Score: 10 Stars and 10 Bucks out of ten. (WHAT???)
Sunday, November 11, 2018
The Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte, the Eggnog-Chai Latte, and the Dirty Cheg: Part III.
OK, I'll keep this third part short as we now move onto the Dirty Chegg. The barista B mentioned in Part I pointed out that the name has the unfortunately property of sounding like a slur, but thankfully ‘Chegg’ in this case is just a portmanteau of Chai and Eggnog and the dirtiness comes from adding a shot of espresso to this tea latte. The name alone makes this one great, and I felt a bit like a “bad boy” while drinking this one.
Just the act of ordering a ‘dirty’ drink hints at an unscrupulous nature dancing just beneath one’s skin---waiting to escape---and the Dirty Chegg is more than just a drink: it is a straightforward appeal to emotion and one’s basest instincts, a celebration of irrationality and chaos, and an exaltation of the id above the superego. Plus it's delicious. The extra espresso shot gives this drink a grittier feel than the ordinary Eggnog-Chai Tea Latte and chugging this one feels like drinking a Christina Aguilera video on the fourth of July. And I don’t mean that ‘Beautiful’ song, either—that song is much more inspirational than the Dirty Chegg and it has an empowering message that speaks to disaffected youth even today. No, I meant one of her other videos.
Full disclosure: I have no idea what it means to drink a Christina Aguilera video on the fourth of July, and I think the ability to write meaningless drink descriptions has now rubbed off on me after reading countless beverage commentaries from the Starbucks website.
But, yeah, I would have this one again, although I would want to explore other ‘dirty’ drinks first.
Verdict: I love the Dirty Chegg.
Score: 7 Stars and 2 Bucks out of 10
Just the act of ordering a ‘dirty’ drink hints at an unscrupulous nature dancing just beneath one’s skin---waiting to escape---and the Dirty Chegg is more than just a drink: it is a straightforward appeal to emotion and one’s basest instincts, a celebration of irrationality and chaos, and an exaltation of the id above the superego. Plus it's delicious. The extra espresso shot gives this drink a grittier feel than the ordinary Eggnog-Chai Tea Latte and chugging this one feels like drinking a Christina Aguilera video on the fourth of July. And I don’t mean that ‘Beautiful’ song, either—that song is much more inspirational than the Dirty Chegg and it has an empowering message that speaks to disaffected youth even today. No, I meant one of her other videos.
Full disclosure: I have no idea what it means to drink a Christina Aguilera video on the fourth of July, and I think the ability to write meaningless drink descriptions has now rubbed off on me after reading countless beverage commentaries from the Starbucks website.
But, yeah, I would have this one again, although I would want to explore other ‘dirty’ drinks first.
Verdict: I love the Dirty Chegg.
Score: 7 Stars and 2 Bucks out of 10
Saturday, November 10, 2018
The Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte, the Eggnog-Chai tea Latte, and the Dirty Chegg: Part II.
OK, it’s time for Part II of this series. If you missed Part I, check it out below! We now move on to the Eggnog-Chai Latte, which I got with full sweetness. I used to love eggnog when I was a kid, but after I turned 30, buying eggnog just became a thinly veiled excuse to bust out the Bacardi and get drunk off my ass. I probably haven’t had eggnog mixed with anything other than rum for several years, but today I had it with a Chai tea latte, and it was again delicious. Very sweet, but somehow eggnog is sufficiently rich that it can handle the extra sugar. The Chai and eggnog indeed pair well together. Are they as good as the Chai-and-pumpkin mix? Perhaps not, but the Eggnog-Chai latte definitely makes for a great once-a-year beverage during the holidays.
But wait! I’m supposed to dole out more dating advice to that guy from the café. OK, here it goes, and this one is big.
Millennials are great, but one thing some of them lack is patience and it’s easy to see why: today people can binge-watch their favourite show in a single day, look up just about anything with a few mouse-clicks, and talk to their friends anywhere they want with their cell phones.
Back when I was growing up, you couldn’t do any of that stuff. We had to tune in every Monday night at 8 pm just to watch MacGyver and at the end of each season there’d always be some episode where MacGyver was going to crash into a truck or something and we’d be watching, going, “I sure hope MacGyver doesn’t die.” Then the screen would freeze and the narrator would say, “Will MacGyver survive? Tune in September of 1987 to find out!”
We’d spend the next six months anxiously waiting just to learn whether MacGyver died. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t.)
Was it frustrating? You bet. But it built character and I believe it imbued my generation with a patience that would ultimately come in handy when we entered adulthood. Also back when I was young, online dating didn’t even exist and so again more patience was required. If you wanted to meet a woman at a bar, you had to do some stupid stuff like “accidentally” bump into her on the way to the washroom and then she’d be like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU JUST SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER ME!”
Then you’d have to apologize and offer to pay for her dry cleaning, and nine times out of ten you’d just end up becoming a liaison between her and her dry cleaner for the next six to eight months. But that one time out of ten, she’d start having romantic feelings for you. She’d be looking in the mirror and she’d say to herself: “That guy who brings me my dry cleaning every Tuesday morning evokes strange atavistic longings deep within my innermost being!” (I assume women say stuff like that to themselves in the mirror, but if not, my bad!) At that point you’d be in a relationship (I assume).
It was a different time, for sure, but the point is: you needed to be patient back then, and you really needed to understand the inner-workings of the whole dry cleaning process. Probably none of this stuff would work today, but the general principle of being patient without getting discouraged still applies, and it applies to many things beyond just online dating. Good luck, gentle reader!
Oh wait, I have to give my verdict and score for the Eggnog-Chai Tea Latte, right?
Verdict: Pretty good, but definitely not an "every day” drink. Maybe something you can have once or twice during the holidays.
Score: 5 Stars and 3 Bucks out of 10.
But wait! I’m supposed to dole out more dating advice to that guy from the café. OK, here it goes, and this one is big.
Millennials are great, but one thing some of them lack is patience and it’s easy to see why: today people can binge-watch their favourite show in a single day, look up just about anything with a few mouse-clicks, and talk to their friends anywhere they want with their cell phones.
Back when I was growing up, you couldn’t do any of that stuff. We had to tune in every Monday night at 8 pm just to watch MacGyver and at the end of each season there’d always be some episode where MacGyver was going to crash into a truck or something and we’d be watching, going, “I sure hope MacGyver doesn’t die.” Then the screen would freeze and the narrator would say, “Will MacGyver survive? Tune in September of 1987 to find out!”
We’d spend the next six months anxiously waiting just to learn whether MacGyver died. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t.)
Was it frustrating? You bet. But it built character and I believe it imbued my generation with a patience that would ultimately come in handy when we entered adulthood. Also back when I was young, online dating didn’t even exist and so again more patience was required. If you wanted to meet a woman at a bar, you had to do some stupid stuff like “accidentally” bump into her on the way to the washroom and then she’d be like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU JUST SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER ME!”
Then you’d have to apologize and offer to pay for her dry cleaning, and nine times out of ten you’d just end up becoming a liaison between her and her dry cleaner for the next six to eight months. But that one time out of ten, she’d start having romantic feelings for you. She’d be looking in the mirror and she’d say to herself: “That guy who brings me my dry cleaning every Tuesday morning evokes strange atavistic longings deep within my innermost being!” (I assume women say stuff like that to themselves in the mirror, but if not, my bad!) At that point you’d be in a relationship (I assume).
It was a different time, for sure, but the point is: you needed to be patient back then, and you really needed to understand the inner-workings of the whole dry cleaning process. Probably none of this stuff would work today, but the general principle of being patient without getting discouraged still applies, and it applies to many things beyond just online dating. Good luck, gentle reader!
Oh wait, I have to give my verdict and score for the Eggnog-Chai Tea Latte, right?
Verdict: Pretty good, but definitely not an "every day” drink. Maybe something you can have once or twice during the holidays.
Score: 5 Stars and 3 Bucks out of 10.
Friday, November 9, 2018
The Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte, the Eggnog-Chai Latte, and the Dirty Chegg: Part I
This is a three-part post, so you’ll have to tune in later to see the second and third parts. I also have to give a shout-out to the barista B (I won’t use his full name, partly in order to preserve his anonymity, and partly because I do not know the remaining letters of his name), who gave me multiple samples yesterday. He is obviously a patron of the arts.
But this post isn’t entirely about coffee: I also have some wisdom to dole out, gentle reader. You see, a few days ago I had to go into town to meet someone and I ended up going to a different coffee shop. This café had two-person tables tightly bunched together and I was sitting beside a young man and woman. The guy was complaining to his friend that he hadn’t been able to get any dates online and his friend told him: “Just keep being yourself.”
Not to be a contrarian, but I think if this guy is really not getting any dates then probably it would be better advice to say: “You need to be a completely different person, Bro.”
But I wasn’t about to insert myself into their conversation. I nevertheless would like to give that guy some advice. You see, I briefly tried online dating about eleven years ago before I was married, and---not to brag---I was pretty successful. I should point out that by “successful” I mean I spent most of my evenings sobbing into an embroidered throw-pillow while watching The Secret Life of Bees---but I like to think that is still some measure of success. So I’ve got a few tips for this guy that could help---I hope you’re out there reading, young Sir!
While these tips are really intended for that guy, they apply to any heterosexual man who is trying to survive in the world of online dating.
The first tip—and this one is solid gold—is that before even making your profile, you should make a simple woman’s profile without pictures. Then sift through the responses you get and see if there are any that stand out as being particularly effective. This will give you an idea of what works and what doesn’t. But you can’t stop there: this is only going to get your foot in the door and you need to know what to do next. So you should pick the top potential suitors and go out on a couple of dates with these guys—you know, kick the tires a bit, really find out what makes these guys tick. If you want to take things to the next level, allow yourself to be ensnared by their spider’s web of seduction. At that point, maybe you’ll even be in a relationship, but if not, you'll at least have a better sense of what works and what doesn't.
I’ll have more insights on this later, but I should get to the first beverage I tried: The Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte. This was recommended to me and it did not disappoint, although I am very glad I got it half-sweet. The pumpkin and chai complement each other well and the pumpkin spice on top gives it an extra bite that is a perfect taste of fall. Even half-sweet it is still a bit sweeter than I like, but not overwhelmingly so, and I had no problems finishing this one. Would I get it again? Not sure, but I acknowledge that it’s delicious. If you’re looking for a new fall beverage, give this one a try!
Verdict: A great combination of flavours. Delicious!
Score: Six Stars and four Bucks out of 10.
But this post isn’t entirely about coffee: I also have some wisdom to dole out, gentle reader. You see, a few days ago I had to go into town to meet someone and I ended up going to a different coffee shop. This café had two-person tables tightly bunched together and I was sitting beside a young man and woman. The guy was complaining to his friend that he hadn’t been able to get any dates online and his friend told him: “Just keep being yourself.”
Not to be a contrarian, but I think if this guy is really not getting any dates then probably it would be better advice to say: “You need to be a completely different person, Bro.”
But I wasn’t about to insert myself into their conversation. I nevertheless would like to give that guy some advice. You see, I briefly tried online dating about eleven years ago before I was married, and---not to brag---I was pretty successful. I should point out that by “successful” I mean I spent most of my evenings sobbing into an embroidered throw-pillow while watching The Secret Life of Bees---but I like to think that is still some measure of success. So I’ve got a few tips for this guy that could help---I hope you’re out there reading, young Sir!
While these tips are really intended for that guy, they apply to any heterosexual man who is trying to survive in the world of online dating.
The first tip—and this one is solid gold—is that before even making your profile, you should make a simple woman’s profile without pictures. Then sift through the responses you get and see if there are any that stand out as being particularly effective. This will give you an idea of what works and what doesn’t. But you can’t stop there: this is only going to get your foot in the door and you need to know what to do next. So you should pick the top potential suitors and go out on a couple of dates with these guys—you know, kick the tires a bit, really find out what makes these guys tick. If you want to take things to the next level, allow yourself to be ensnared by their spider’s web of seduction. At that point, maybe you’ll even be in a relationship, but if not, you'll at least have a better sense of what works and what doesn't.
I’ll have more insights on this later, but I should get to the first beverage I tried: The Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte. This was recommended to me and it did not disappoint, although I am very glad I got it half-sweet. The pumpkin and chai complement each other well and the pumpkin spice on top gives it an extra bite that is a perfect taste of fall. Even half-sweet it is still a bit sweeter than I like, but not overwhelmingly so, and I had no problems finishing this one. Would I get it again? Not sure, but I acknowledge that it’s delicious. If you’re looking for a new fall beverage, give this one a try!
Verdict: A great combination of flavours. Delicious!
Score: Six Stars and four Bucks out of 10.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Know your drink: cold brew vs. the iced Americano
The other day I ordered a cold brew and the barista made me an iced Americano instead, after realizing that the store had in fact run out of the cold brew. The two drinks are definitely similar, but the iced Americano is in my opinion inferior. If the two drinks were actors, the cold brew would be Ryan Gosling---a handsome leading-man type who makes women swoon with his brooding demeanor and chiseled torso---while the iced Americano would be that dude Jared from the Subway ads who got busted for being a pedophile.
I should add the obligatory disclaimer that it's not my intention to associate any negative moral connotations with the iced Americano---it's not bad, much in the same way that the Subway guy was not a bad actor. I'll even admit I still went to Subway after the news about Jared dropped, and why not? I don't think his arrest delegitimizes the fact that his weight loss was achieved chiefly through a diet of Subway sandwiches.
But back to the cold brew: it is simply on a higher level. First, they let it steep overnight and it is incredibly strong. You feel like you're flying after having two of these. Second, there's a carefree hint of oak in the cold brew that reminds me a bit of scotch, while the Americano is just a straightforward espresso with some water.
The two advantages the iced Americano offer are that you can order a decaf version if you don't want caffeine and it is slightly cheaper than the cold brew, which requires more planning and preparation to make. Overall, both are good but the cold brew is much better.
Verdict: Get the cold brew. It's great.
Score: (Cold Brew) 7 Stars and 3.5 bucks out of 10; (Iced Americano) 5 Stars and 3 bucks out of 10.
I should add the obligatory disclaimer that it's not my intention to associate any negative moral connotations with the iced Americano---it's not bad, much in the same way that the Subway guy was not a bad actor. I'll even admit I still went to Subway after the news about Jared dropped, and why not? I don't think his arrest delegitimizes the fact that his weight loss was achieved chiefly through a diet of Subway sandwiches.
But back to the cold brew: it is simply on a higher level. First, they let it steep overnight and it is incredibly strong. You feel like you're flying after having two of these. Second, there's a carefree hint of oak in the cold brew that reminds me a bit of scotch, while the Americano is just a straightforward espresso with some water.
The two advantages the iced Americano offer are that you can order a decaf version if you don't want caffeine and it is slightly cheaper than the cold brew, which requires more planning and preparation to make. Overall, both are good but the cold brew is much better.
Verdict: Get the cold brew. It's great.
Score: (Cold Brew) 7 Stars and 3.5 bucks out of 10; (Iced Americano) 5 Stars and 3 bucks out of 10.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Americano Nuevo: What the fuck is this?
I've only been trying S-bucks beverages for a week and I'm already starting to conclude that anything on the menu that isn't either plain espresso or coffee with a bit of milk or cream is pretty gross. What's worse is that these fancier drinks are precisely the ones with more calories and sugar and I'm worried that my quest to review every beverage at Starbucks is turning into a modern-day version of Super Size Me.
I should probably point out that I teach and as a result feel compelled to explain the plot of any movie or TV show that is more than ten years old, because students do not know about anything from before the global financial crisis of 2008.
Sometimes I'll be teaching and I'll say, "Hey Class! Remember that time when Jack and Mr. Firley got stuck in that meat locker on Three's Company?" Then my class will inform me that, no, they do not, because it is no longer 1983. Then they'll ask me how this Three's Company episode is even relevant to the course and I'll be like, "IT'S RELEVANT BECAUSE JOHN RITTER WAS A GODDAMN NATIONAL TREASURE!"
Perhaps the most important lesson in all this is that roughly 90% of student complaints can be resolved by yelling at one's class about the late John Ritter.
But back to Super Size Me. Back in the day, if you ordered a meal at McDonalds, the cashier would say something like, "Would you like to Super Size that for an extra 39 cents?" If you were American and at all patriotic, you would cough up that extra 39 cents and receive a meal roughly double the size of the one you had initially ordered. This guy---his name was Morgan Spurlock or something---decided to make a documentary in which he ate at McDonalds for 30 days, Super-Sizing his meals whenever the opportunity arose. About four days in he went to the doctor and the doctor was like, "I hope you're sitting down. You have six weeks to live."
To this day, I never eat at McDonalds more than three days in a row. I feel a bit like Morgan Spurlock at this point, too, although I haven't had any medical problems so far---at least none that I can pin on Starbucks---so I'll try to keep going, although perhaps with less frequency. But I did get one more drink in. I had the Americano Nuevo, which was recommended to me by a barista who has a pretty good sense of my tastes and I admit that it sounds great on paper (or on a blog): they take espresso, add some hot water, some light foam, and then throw in some hazelnut syrup. It's significantly less sweet than the white mocha, but is still unabashedly sweet. I've never eaten actual hazelnuts by themselves, but I can nevertheless tell that the syrup has an artificial quality to it and I really didn't enjoy the flavor of this drink. I had trouble finishing it and I wouldn't recommend it unless you are a fan of the hazelnut syrup at Starbucks.
Verdict: Not as sweet as some of the drinks, but the syrup has an artificial quality to it.
Score: 3 Stars and 3.5 Bucks out of 10.
I should probably point out that I teach and as a result feel compelled to explain the plot of any movie or TV show that is more than ten years old, because students do not know about anything from before the global financial crisis of 2008.
Sometimes I'll be teaching and I'll say, "Hey Class! Remember that time when Jack and Mr. Firley got stuck in that meat locker on Three's Company?" Then my class will inform me that, no, they do not, because it is no longer 1983. Then they'll ask me how this Three's Company episode is even relevant to the course and I'll be like, "IT'S RELEVANT BECAUSE JOHN RITTER WAS A GODDAMN NATIONAL TREASURE!"
Perhaps the most important lesson in all this is that roughly 90% of student complaints can be resolved by yelling at one's class about the late John Ritter.
But back to Super Size Me. Back in the day, if you ordered a meal at McDonalds, the cashier would say something like, "Would you like to Super Size that for an extra 39 cents?" If you were American and at all patriotic, you would cough up that extra 39 cents and receive a meal roughly double the size of the one you had initially ordered. This guy---his name was Morgan Spurlock or something---decided to make a documentary in which he ate at McDonalds for 30 days, Super-Sizing his meals whenever the opportunity arose. About four days in he went to the doctor and the doctor was like, "I hope you're sitting down. You have six weeks to live."
To this day, I never eat at McDonalds more than three days in a row. I feel a bit like Morgan Spurlock at this point, too, although I haven't had any medical problems so far---at least none that I can pin on Starbucks---so I'll try to keep going, although perhaps with less frequency. But I did get one more drink in. I had the Americano Nuevo, which was recommended to me by a barista who has a pretty good sense of my tastes and I admit that it sounds great on paper (or on a blog): they take espresso, add some hot water, some light foam, and then throw in some hazelnut syrup. It's significantly less sweet than the white mocha, but is still unabashedly sweet. I've never eaten actual hazelnuts by themselves, but I can nevertheless tell that the syrup has an artificial quality to it and I really didn't enjoy the flavor of this drink. I had trouble finishing it and I wouldn't recommend it unless you are a fan of the hazelnut syrup at Starbucks.
Verdict: Not as sweet as some of the drinks, but the syrup has an artificial quality to it.
Score: 3 Stars and 3.5 Bucks out of 10.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Strawberry Refresher with Coconut milk: delicious but way too sweet
TV makes being a teenage girl look pretty awesome. They’re always doing fun things like having slumber parties, talking with their bffs on the phone, and losing their virginity on prom night. And if you see one with a beverage in hand, you can bet it’s pink, frothy, and almost certainly delicious. With that in mind, I decided to infiltrate the not-so-secret world of the American teenage girl and I ordered a tall Strawberry Refresher with Coconut Milk, also affectionately known as “The Pink Drink."
This beverage is cold and, yes, pink, with small bits of strawberry floating on top of several layers of ice cubes, and it tastes a bit like how I imagine the drinks you’d get at a tropical resort would taste. It was delicious but way too sweet. The sweetness is next level, in fact.
Now I will say one thing about walking around a suburban strip mall while holding this drink in my hand: it was liberating. When you’re a middle-aged guy, society imposes a lot of expectations upon what you can and can’t do and you sure as hell can’t drink a frothy pink beverage. But today I did, and I felt suddenly alive. Now probably the masculinity of some guys would be too fragile to even consider having such a drink, and honestly I feel sorry for such men. Admittedly, my masculinity is probably way more fragile than all of those guys, but I’m willing to suck it up (so to speak) and drink this pink drink to ensure that my blog is the most comprehensive Starbucks blog on the internet.
So what can we say about this drink? S-bucks says the following: It’s a fruity and refreshing sip of spring, no matter what time of year.
I’m starting to get a bit angry at whoever writes these descriptions. Whoever wrote it obviously did not grow up in a tough neighborhood and probably does stuff like refer to drinks as “concoctions." I will say, however, that once one gets over the overwhelming sweetness, the flavors themselves are delicious and the coconut milk perfectly complements the strawberry flavor. If it were unsweetened, I assume this drink would be excellent. I do not know if one could get an unsweetened version, but even if I could, I would not buy it again: my masculinity is too fragile.
Verdict: Delicious and delightfully pink, but way too sweet for me; not really like a fruity sip of spring (unfortunately).
Score: 4.5 Stars and Five Bucks out of ten.
This beverage is cold and, yes, pink, with small bits of strawberry floating on top of several layers of ice cubes, and it tastes a bit like how I imagine the drinks you’d get at a tropical resort would taste. It was delicious but way too sweet. The sweetness is next level, in fact.
Now I will say one thing about walking around a suburban strip mall while holding this drink in my hand: it was liberating. When you’re a middle-aged guy, society imposes a lot of expectations upon what you can and can’t do and you sure as hell can’t drink a frothy pink beverage. But today I did, and I felt suddenly alive. Now probably the masculinity of some guys would be too fragile to even consider having such a drink, and honestly I feel sorry for such men. Admittedly, my masculinity is probably way more fragile than all of those guys, but I’m willing to suck it up (so to speak) and drink this pink drink to ensure that my blog is the most comprehensive Starbucks blog on the internet.
So what can we say about this drink? S-bucks says the following: It’s a fruity and refreshing sip of spring, no matter what time of year.
I’m starting to get a bit angry at whoever writes these descriptions. Whoever wrote it obviously did not grow up in a tough neighborhood and probably does stuff like refer to drinks as “concoctions." I will say, however, that once one gets over the overwhelming sweetness, the flavors themselves are delicious and the coconut milk perfectly complements the strawberry flavor. If it were unsweetened, I assume this drink would be excellent. I do not know if one could get an unsweetened version, but even if I could, I would not buy it again: my masculinity is too fragile.
Verdict: Delicious and delightfully pink, but way too sweet for me; not really like a fruity sip of spring (unfortunately).
Score: 4.5 Stars and Five Bucks out of ten.
Monday, November 5, 2018
White Chocolate Mocha: there's a lot to unpack with this one
People sometimes ask me: "Hey! If you work 60+ hours a week, how do you manage to spend roughly six hours a day at a Starbucks located inside a strip mall?" That, gentle reader, is a mystery, I admit---but I've had some pretty good times at that Starbucks and I can honestly say that the baristas now even tolerate my presence, although arguably somewhat begrudgingly.
Actually, the baristas at my S-bucks are great and one asked me to mention this fact as she made a sample of the white chocolate mocha for me to try. It probably doesn't require pointing out, but I'm a middle-aged guy who typically drinks plain espresso, lattes, and cold brew. I don't really go for sugary drinks, but I'm willing to sacrifice my personal preferences, my health, my self-respect, and whatever else it takes, to help this blog continue to get roughly 86 views per day.
As always, the ad execs make the drink sound amazing. They say something like "with subtly caramelized white chocolate sauce, [this drink] almost tastes like sitting in front of a roaring fire."
I get that the ad execs have to come up with compelling descriptions for their drinks, but I have to question the logic behind this one. What’s the connection between white chocolate sauce and sitting in front of a roaring fire? Do people really associate those two things? Answer: no, they don't.
In fact, I’m pretty sure no one has ever been sitting by the fireplace and been like, “You know what this roaring fire is lacking? Some white chocolate sauce.”
I feel like Starbucks is just phoning in the drink descriptions at this point.
But back to the white mocha. Like I said, I don't typically go for sweet drinks and I had to force most of this one down. As far as chocolate goes, I love dark chocolate, think milk chocolate is pretty good, and I find white chocolate completely disgusting. I’m not even convinced white chocolate is actually chocolate, so I was already biased against this particular drink. Plus, I was a teenager in the `90s and back then I used to watch this daytime tabloid talk show, Jenny Jones, and she always had white guys on who would refer to themselves as "White Chocolate" in an overtly sexual manner. I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I remember they’d say things like “Hey Girl! You want some white chocolate?”
My recollection is that the women generally didn’t want white chocolate—at least not in the sense the guys had intended it---and I certainly don’t remember any of the women saying, “Hell yeah I want some white chocolate! It totally reminds me of sitting by a roaring fire!” Although if they had said that, I guess that drink description would suddenly make a lot more sense.
The drink actually tastes more of hot chocolate (with white chocolate) than an espresso-based drink, and it's topped with whipped cream. I'd say it's a coffee drink for people who don't really like the taste of coffee so much. If you like drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter's night as you sit by a roaring fire listening to the soothing sounds of Freddie Mercury (who I'm pretty sure died of AIDS, unfortunately), then you'll probably love this beverage.
(I hope someone at Starbucks sees this post and realizes they could have this kind of talent writing their drink descriptions.)
If, on the other hand, you're like me and associate white chocolate with overtly sexual white guys from the Jenny Jones show back in 1996, then you should pass.
Verdict: very sweet, more like a hot chocolate; definitely does not taste like sitting in front of a roaring fire.
Score: Three Stars and three Bucks out of ten.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Witch's Brew? Don't mind if I do...
This one is currently off the official menu at S-bucks now, but I guess they had enough of the raw materials lying around to make me this Halloween-themed beverage. I remember seeing the picture for it back in October and they had a menacing-looking witch with a wart on her nose, who for some reason was beseeching me to purchase this drink. I held off, but then I got a blog request (other bloggers will understand, I assume) to review it and so off to Starbucks I went.
Full disclosure: I’m not a guy who generally likes overly sweet drinks, so for my palate this drink wasn’t great. But perhaps surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, either. If Starbucks drinks were national tragedies, then the Juniper Latte would be 9/11—an event that is still to this day seared into the consciousness of millions of Americans—and Witch’s Brew would be more like that time Cory Monteith died. Yes, both events are tragic in their own way, but one precipitated a war in Afghanistan that continues even today and the other was commemorated via a special tribute episode of Glee. So although I didn’t like this one, I can easily see a person enjoying it, much like that tribute episode of Glee, which I’m told was rather touching.
But back to Witch’s brew! First, the taste: it’s counter-intuitive. The drink is purple and before taking a sip one expects a grape or perhaps blueberry flavour. It’s not like that at all, however. The taste is more like orange cream and if you liked orange creamsicles as a kid, there’s a good chance you'll like this one. They add some chia seeds for some reason I’m pretty sure no one on earth understands, but thankfully the chia seeds don’t take away from the beverage. I wouldn’t say they enhance it, either, but no one ever adds Chia seeds to anything expecting them to improve things, so that is totally fine. Finally, they top the drink with whipped cream and some sort of green dust. I don’t know what the green dust is. I’m sure it’s supposed to represent frog warts or something, but I’m a middle-aged dude and to me it’s just a distraction.
Anyway, after the Juniper latte fiasco, it was great to be surprised (in a good way) by this one. No, I wouldn’t drink it again, but I can definitely say that it will appeal to a reasonably large segment of the population.
Verdict: surprisingly drinkable but a bit on the sweet side.
Score: Four stars and 3.5 bucks out of 10.
Full disclosure: I’m not a guy who generally likes overly sweet drinks, so for my palate this drink wasn’t great. But perhaps surprisingly it wasn’t that bad, either. If Starbucks drinks were national tragedies, then the Juniper Latte would be 9/11—an event that is still to this day seared into the consciousness of millions of Americans—and Witch’s Brew would be more like that time Cory Monteith died. Yes, both events are tragic in their own way, but one precipitated a war in Afghanistan that continues even today and the other was commemorated via a special tribute episode of Glee. So although I didn’t like this one, I can easily see a person enjoying it, much like that tribute episode of Glee, which I’m told was rather touching.
But back to Witch’s brew! First, the taste: it’s counter-intuitive. The drink is purple and before taking a sip one expects a grape or perhaps blueberry flavour. It’s not like that at all, however. The taste is more like orange cream and if you liked orange creamsicles as a kid, there’s a good chance you'll like this one. They add some chia seeds for some reason I’m pretty sure no one on earth understands, but thankfully the chia seeds don’t take away from the beverage. I wouldn’t say they enhance it, either, but no one ever adds Chia seeds to anything expecting them to improve things, so that is totally fine. Finally, they top the drink with whipped cream and some sort of green dust. I don’t know what the green dust is. I’m sure it’s supposed to represent frog warts or something, but I’m a middle-aged dude and to me it’s just a distraction.
Anyway, after the Juniper latte fiasco, it was great to be surprised (in a good way) by this one. No, I wouldn’t drink it again, but I can definitely say that it will appeal to a reasonably large segment of the population.
Verdict: surprisingly drinkable but a bit on the sweet side.
Score: Four stars and 3.5 bucks out of 10.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Juniper Latte: I have made a huge mistake
Today I went into Starbucks and all the baristas were wearing festive red aprons. It reminded me of my childhood---or at least it would have if I had spent a good chunk of my formative years in a Starbucks located inside a strip mall. But to try to get me into the holiday spirit they had a bunch of ads for their new holiday drinks.
There was one drink---I don't remember it's name---and it had the tag-line "Taste a cup of magic!" Now I'll admit that the drink looked pretty awesome, but just on principle I don't usually have drinks with obviously hyperbolic statements about them. I've learned from experience that Starbucks is really good at getting people to buy certain drinks that are borderline disgusting and I've fallen into that trap numerous times and that is the reason for me creating this blog: I'll detail my missteps, so you, gentle reader, do not have to repeat my mistakes.
But Starbucks obviously has a team of well-paid ad-execs (I assume it is a bit like on the show Mad Men), who sit around and try to figure out how to make drinks sound more appealing to customers. Then one guy is probably like, "OK, how about this? A guy comes into Starbucks and he thinks he's just getting a peppermint mocha, but then---get this!---it's actually a cup of ... magic!"
Then probably the other execs are like, "Holy Shit! That is AWESOME!" But what the ad execs don't realize is that no one really wants to drink a cup of magic and it's not even clear what that actually means.
But anyway, I should get to my drink today. I tried out the Juniper Latte. It's a new drink and I got sucked in by the picture and the description. The description was something like, "We take espresso and infuse it with juniper and sage."
They make it sound like they have a juniper bush growing in the back and baristas are lovingly harvesting juniper berries to make my drink. But they don't stop there. After they infuse it, the description says: "Then we lightly dust it with juniper sugar." Now I'm expecting the barista to take a delicate paintbrush, probably made from camel's hair or something, and just gently transfer some juniper sugar onto the latte. I didn't even know juniper sugar existed before this, but I now know I have to try it.
Next to the description they have a picture of the latte and it looks timeless. I could imagine my ancestors drinking it 500 years ago if Starbucks had been a thing back then. But then I got it and I couldn't even finish it. I think a more apt line would have been to just say, "Hey! Are you a dude who is really into sniffing pine trees? If so, then do we ever have a beverage for you!"
OK, it could be a woman who is into sniffing pine trees, too, but I've only ever seen men sniffing pine trees. More specifically, I've only ever seen exactly one man sniffing a pine tree and I'm pretty sure he was some sort of hobo. But here's the thing: there are people who really enjoy sniffing pine trees. The demographic is definitely there. The one guy I saw sniffing a pine tree clearly found the scent intoxicating. I would totally recommend the Juniper Latte to that guy. But even if you like the scent of pine trees, that's not enough for me to recommend the beverage. It really has to be something you go out of your way for. Like maybe you live in a big city, and every winter you make a two-hour trek to the woods to sniff pine trees. Then you'll probably love this drink.
Otherwise, I'd pass!
Verdict: Kind of gross, but with strong hints of pine.
Score: Two Stars and 2.5 Bucks out of 10.
There was one drink---I don't remember it's name---and it had the tag-line "Taste a cup of magic!" Now I'll admit that the drink looked pretty awesome, but just on principle I don't usually have drinks with obviously hyperbolic statements about them. I've learned from experience that Starbucks is really good at getting people to buy certain drinks that are borderline disgusting and I've fallen into that trap numerous times and that is the reason for me creating this blog: I'll detail my missteps, so you, gentle reader, do not have to repeat my mistakes.
But Starbucks obviously has a team of well-paid ad-execs (I assume it is a bit like on the show Mad Men), who sit around and try to figure out how to make drinks sound more appealing to customers. Then one guy is probably like, "OK, how about this? A guy comes into Starbucks and he thinks he's just getting a peppermint mocha, but then---get this!---it's actually a cup of ... magic!"
Then probably the other execs are like, "Holy Shit! That is AWESOME!" But what the ad execs don't realize is that no one really wants to drink a cup of magic and it's not even clear what that actually means.
But anyway, I should get to my drink today. I tried out the Juniper Latte. It's a new drink and I got sucked in by the picture and the description. The description was something like, "We take espresso and infuse it with juniper and sage."
They make it sound like they have a juniper bush growing in the back and baristas are lovingly harvesting juniper berries to make my drink. But they don't stop there. After they infuse it, the description says: "Then we lightly dust it with juniper sugar." Now I'm expecting the barista to take a delicate paintbrush, probably made from camel's hair or something, and just gently transfer some juniper sugar onto the latte. I didn't even know juniper sugar existed before this, but I now know I have to try it.
Next to the description they have a picture of the latte and it looks timeless. I could imagine my ancestors drinking it 500 years ago if Starbucks had been a thing back then. But then I got it and I couldn't even finish it. I think a more apt line would have been to just say, "Hey! Are you a dude who is really into sniffing pine trees? If so, then do we ever have a beverage for you!"
OK, it could be a woman who is into sniffing pine trees, too, but I've only ever seen men sniffing pine trees. More specifically, I've only ever seen exactly one man sniffing a pine tree and I'm pretty sure he was some sort of hobo. But here's the thing: there are people who really enjoy sniffing pine trees. The demographic is definitely there. The one guy I saw sniffing a pine tree clearly found the scent intoxicating. I would totally recommend the Juniper Latte to that guy. But even if you like the scent of pine trees, that's not enough for me to recommend the beverage. It really has to be something you go out of your way for. Like maybe you live in a big city, and every winter you make a two-hour trek to the woods to sniff pine trees. Then you'll probably love this drink.
Otherwise, I'd pass!
Verdict: Kind of gross, but with strong hints of pine.
Score: Two Stars and 2.5 Bucks out of 10.
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